


Pushing Forward

by Warp5Complex_Archivist



Category: Star Trek: Enterprise
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-18
Updated: 2006-03-18
Packaged: 2018-08-16 06:45:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8091742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Warp5Complex_Archivist/pseuds/Warp5Complex_Archivist
Summary: Trip gets help dealing with the events from 2.26 "The Expanse." Postep. (08/17/2003)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Kylie Lee, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Warp 5 Complex](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Warp_5_Complex), the software of which ceased to be maintained and created a security hazard. To make future maintenance and archive growth easier, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but I may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Warp 5 Complex collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/Warp5Complex).

  
Author's notes: Beta: Joe.  
  
Based on Season 3 spoilers. Creative license has been taken, however.  
  
a) The great inspiration came from several songs off Maroon 5's _Songs About Jane_. I knew there was something niggling in my head whenever I listened to that album. The Muse finally decided to clarify for me and I'm grateful to her for it.  
  
b) I'm trying not to retread on covered ground, here. Joe and I already have a story out dealing with Trip losing a loved one (Convergence). And another one where T'Pol teaches him to meditate to control his emotions (Harbinger/Turn). I'm glossing over certain things for a very good reason.   


* * *

The dreams started out being easy enough to decipher. In them, I ran around the ship looking for something. I knew exactly what it was. Everywhere I went, into every room, behind every door there was nothing. I was frantic. In each dream I was sobbing as I ran through the corridors. I never found her. I always woke up crying, kicking the sweat-soaked covers off my nerve wracked body. 

After several weeks of fitful nights, I went to see Phlox for some sedatives. He gave them to me, all the while trying to coax the need for them out of me. I didn't want to talk about it. I just told him I was having trouble sleeping. That's all he needed to know, doctor or not. My dreams were my own. Talking about it would vent the anger and resentment. I wanted to keep that. I wanted to hang on to it. I needed it for the revenge I was going to seek against the Xindi.

Phlox eventually stopped giving me the drugs. He said I needed to find an alternate solution to my problem. Without much interest for his advice, I forced myself to listen to what he had to say. Since I would not talk to Phlox, he asked me to confide in someone else. Especially if it came to curtailing strong emotions, I would likely need some help. I got his meaning and knew exactly who he was talking about. Her. 

He suggested I seek T'Pol's counsel on controlling my emotions. I got angry, like I did so often then. Asking her for help was the last thing I wanted or needed. Christ, I didn't need some Vulcan telling me what to do. Especially her. At least that's what I thought. But I was under doctor's orders, and he wouldn't have sent me to T'Pol if she weren't willing to teach me something. I, on the other hand, was far less willing to be taught. I was stubborn and obstinate. I rebuffed her at every turn. My own personal demons were coming out through my nasty words and actions towards my 'counselor'. I was detached, uncooperative, and downright rude. I behaved very much like a spoiled four-year-old brat. I just didn't care. We weren't having any luck finding what we were looking for. I was antsy. I was frustrated.

To compound my unhappiness, the dreams became more intense. And with a new and sickening twist. Instead of me merely looking for my sister and being unsuccessful, I started to find her, dead. Everywhere I looked; there she was limp and lifeless. I felt guilty. I'm not sure why I felt responsible. If Enterprise had been in orbit around Earth, would it have mattered? It was insane for me to think that I could have prevented that tragedy. I couldn't have been there 24/7/365, could I?

Finally unable to bear it any longer, I broke. And broke hard. Right there in front of T'Pol, too. I lashed out at her like I always did, except this time I didn't storm out of her quarters in a mad huff. I stopped suddenly and held my useless hands up in front of my face. Sensing the oncoming storm, I placed those same hands over my eyes and let go. I sobbed, really. I just collapsed into a ball right there in her room. Months of pent up grief, anger, resentment, frustration and fatigue finally took their toll on me. And they took their toll in front of the one person on this ship that probably didn't understand a bit. Trip Tucker lost it all in front of the Vulcan. It was probably better that way, anyway. I didn't want anyone's sympathy, and I knew she wasn't feeling sorry for me in the least.

After what seemed like hours, I'd finally stopped bawling. I wiped my face and looked reproachfully at T'Pol. She sat with her hands folded atop the meditation table, completely composed and seemingly waiting for what was to come next.

"Happy now, Sub-Commander?" I spat. "You can go report to Phlox and Archer that you've smashed through the barrier."

I received a raised eyebrow. "That was not anyone's intention, Commander. You've broken through your own barriers."

I snorted. "What the hell do you know about it anyway, T'Pol?" I sniffed, glaring at her from across the table. The candlelight was making shadows dance across her face. 

"Commander," said T'Pol firmly, "how many times must you be reminded that Vulcans possess all the same emotions that Humans do?" She frowned slightly.

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever," I sighed with a wave of my hand. "You just don't use 'em. I know."

"No, you have no idea," she replied calmly. "We use them all the time. We just control them, reign them in so that our emotions do not control us."

I said nothing. I'd heard all this before. 

"Just because I am able to control my emotions does not mean that I do not know what it's like to lose someone close to me," T'Pol confessed softly. "I know all too well, in fact."

I hadn't heard _that_ one. I stared at my companion, but she didn't look at me. Her gaze was aimed at the flame before her. I suddenly felt like the biggest ass in the universe. I'd been skulking around the ship for months acting like I was the only person to ever lose someone. I mentally slapped my forehead. How could I have been so selfish? I could feel tears welling up in my eyes again. But these were tears of humiliation and shame. I bit my bottom lip to hold them at bay.

"God, I'm sorry, T'Pol," I managed. And I was. I was sorry for a lot of things that I didn't want to discuss just then. She looked up at me; her soft, dark eyes shining just a little more than they were a few minutes ago. 

Time seemed to freeze and everything changed in that moment. I suddenly saw T'Pol in a whole new and different light. She may not be a Human, but she was a person. She was a person I was beginning to like...a lot. The respect and camaraderie that had been building between us for two years suddenly jumped tenfold. We'd always had some odd connection; I'd always figured that. When she looked at me in that moment, I knew she understood everything I was going through. She didn't have to tell me.

I placed a hand palm up on the table and slowly slid it towards her. T'Pol never broke eye contact with me. Her hand slid across the table to meet with mine. Our fingers gently grasped each other's. I gave her hand a soft squeeze and for the first time in months I think I may have even smiled.

Every day from that day forth, I went to her quarters to meditate. Hell, I actually found myself looking forward to it. It seemed to be the only bright place anymore. We built a fantastic trust in each other since the night I broke down. I allowed myself to learn what she was teaching me. It was helping. But those meditation sessions weren't just for my benefit. There was something she was getting out of it, too. Something that unsettled me, but I couldn't pinpoint what it was.

After our sessions, we usually chatted for a bit. T'Pol could be very engaging. Who knew? I kinda wish I'd have gotten to know her sooner. She's a fascinating individual. She had a way of making me forget why we were in the Expanse. She'd make me forget why I was angry. She made the daily frustrations of dead end after dead end disappear. T'Pol made me feel...well, _Human_ again. She never told me about her own loss, however. I understood that. Maybe with time, we'll jump that hurdle together.

T'Pol eventually opened up a bit more and told me about her Pa'Nar Syndrome. Doctor Phlox was working on a cure all the time. I had no idea. She also told me about the little experiments she was doing with her emotions. By helping me control mine, she was able to reach out more with her own. T'Pol said that for now, these experiments have only stayed in her quarters, and on occasion around me. I was glad she was comfortable enough to allow me to see past that wall, but it had also raised a red flag for me. I wasn't sure I liked the idea of her experimenting, especially knowing what the Expanse has done to Vulcans in the past. I vowed to keep a closer eye on her.

The more time I spent with T'Pol, one on one, the more relaxed I became. We weren't under doctor's orders anymore. Both Captain Archer and Doctor Phlox were satisfied with my progress. They could see me coming around, back to my old self. I felt better. Hell, I felt better than better. I felt new. I owed it all to T'Pol, though she would probably not agree with me. In fact, I had thanked her and she dismissed it as nothing more than my seeing the light, though obviously not in those words. She used the more philosophical Vulcan mojo on me. It didn't matter. I was still grateful for all she'd done to help me. I asked if I could continue meditating with her, without orders from the Doc or Cap'n. T'Pol actually seemed pleasantly surprised by my request. She didn't hesitate with her answer. She seemed almost pleased.

All was well until the dream came back. But this dream was different than any of the other ones. In it, I was once again, running through Enterprise, still in a panic, looking for my sister. Behind every door was nothing. I was sobbing, desperate to find her. In a new twist, I reached T'Pol's quarters. I barged in and I thought I knew what I'd find before I even got there. I was wrong. It wasn't my sister in T'Pol's quarters, but T'Pol herself. She sat at her desk with a blank look on her face. What really rocked me was that she was Human. Her ears were rounded like mine and when she looked up at me, she smiled. It was a big, beautiful smile. I loved it and I hated it. It wasn't my T'Pol. Not even close.

I woke with a start. My heart was pounding. I was drenched in a cold sweat. It was all crystal clear to me in that instant. I threw the covers back and pulled on some clothes. A quick check of the chronometer told me it was probably much too late to be making a visit. But I had to. 

I rushed out into the corridor, dimmed to simulate Earth night. I stalked up to T'Pol's door and buzzed her comm. I waited impatiently and practically bounced from foot to foot. I pictured her asleep, all curled up like a kitten. I smiled in the darkness and closed my eyes to capture the image once again. I was suddenly overcome with the temptation to want to curl up behind T'Pol, wrap my arms around her and hold her until we got home. I wasn't sure where that little notion came from, as I'd never entertained that idea before now. But I liked it. I liked it a lot.

The door slid open. "Commander?" she asked in a groggy voice.

"T'Pol," I whispered, trying to steady my nerves. My breath caught in my throat for a moment. I'd never seen her in her bed clothes. I tried not to stare at how the silky material was clinging in all the right places, how her top gently rode up her midriff as she absently rubbed her eyes. A vision of my fingertips tracing her every outline popped into my head. 

"Is something wrong?" asked T'Pol.

"I..I just...I mean-" I was suddenly unfit to speak. I had too many images swirling around in my mind.

"Please, come in," she said, saving me. T'Pol stepped aside. I slid past her and padded over to her bed. I sat on the edge and began to wring my hands together tightly. She sat next to me and turned on a small reading light.

"Commander?" she prodded softly with a small cock of her head.

My attention snapped back to her face. "T'Pol," I started. "The dream came back." I didn't know how else to begin this conversation. 

"The one with your sister?"

"Yeah, but she wasn't in it this time," I said. I looked at her. 

She raised an eyebrow at me. "Then it is not the same dream."

I smiled at her damned logic. "It was the same premise," I explained. "Only this time I wasn't lookin' for Lizzy. I was lookin' for you."

T'Pol didn't say anything. She just looked at me expectantly.

I shifted on the bed so that I was facing her. I leaned forward making sure we didn't break eye contact. "T'Pol, I want you to promise me something."

Another raised eyebrow.

I swallowed heavily. "Please promise me you won't try and twist up to fit into the Human mold."

T'Pol blinked at me, trying to decipher what I'd just said. She had a rather blank look on her face. It was my turn to look at her expectantly. 

The light dawned. "Commander, I do not wish to be Human," she reassured me softly. "I only wish to experience what's going on within me."

I smiled again, completely relieved. I leaned forward even further. I raised a hand to her face, stopping myself just short of her cheek. "Can I touch you?" I whispered.

She nodded slightly. My fingertips lightly grazed her jaw, my thumb swept gently across her chin. I lifted her head and looked into her eyes.

"Don't make the same mistake I did, T'Pol," I said. "Try not to embrace those emotions too heavily. I don't wanna lose you, too."

Closing her eyes she said nothing. But she leaned into my touch. I felt a hand gently close around the back of my neck. I slipped my arms around her as I felt T'Pol's other hand slide across my back. It felt good to be this close to her. I liked having her as a friend. I never thought I could be this way with a Vulcan. I closed my eyes and buried my face in her neck, pulling T'Pol closer. Jesus, she smelled good. I inhaled deeply as I felt my heart begin to race. I was suddenly overcome with an urge to somehow taste her. In a move that could have conceivably ended my life, or at the very least my ability to father any future children, I did just that.

I opened my mouth and flicked my tongue out against her neck. Her skin was soft and smooth. T'Pol tasted sweet and feminine. I felt her gasp more than I heard it. I also felt her hand close on the back of my head, gently grabbing a fistful of hair. She didn't yank me back, however. I pressed my tongue more firmly against her neck, right at the pulse point. I felt her heart pounding as fast as mine was. A shiver raced up my spine. I licked my way up her carotid to her jaw, where I gave her a quick nip. 

Before I let myself get sucked into this even more, I pulled back to look her in the eyes. They appeared slightly glazed but lucid. I was very unsure if any of this was real. This felt more like a dream than the one that brought me here. The feeling of her lips on my temple erased any doubt. She wasn't really kissing me, just trailing her lips across my cheek. I didn't know if Vulcans did this kind of thing or if this was one of T'Pol's experiments. At the moment, I didn't care. 

I turned my head towards her, my mouth capturing hers. I kissed her slowly, not knowing what exactly to do with a Vulcan. Though our instincts seemed to be doing just fine without conscious thought. I savored the feeling of her lips against mine. T'Pol was sucking lightly on my bottom lip which sent shards of pleasure to my core. I ran my tongue over her top lip.

That's all it took. We soon devoured each other, our mouths open, tongues crashing hungrily together. My hands found the hem of her top and slipped underneath. I kneaded her back softly, relishing the feel of her warm skin against my fingers. 

When we finally came up for air, I reluctantly pulled away. I peppered T'Pol's face with little kisses, trying to catch my breath and convince myself this was okay. Her hands slid from my neck to grip the collar of my shirt. We just sat and gazed at each other for a moment.

"I think I should go," I said softly. "We'll talk about this tomorrow."

T'Pol nodded and released my shirt from her hold. Her hands slid deliberately down my chest causing me to catch my breath. I leaned forward and kissed her slowly again. I cut it off before it could deepen once more. I stood and walked backwards, nearly stumbling, toward the door. T'Pol just stared at me as I did.

"G'night, T'Pol," I said as I turned and hurried out. 

The fact that she said nothing had me more than worried. But there was also the fact that she kissed me back just as enthusiastically as I kissed her. I practically ran to my quarters.

_What the hell were you thinkin', Tucker?_ I scolded myself silently. I balled my fists and threw a couple of jabs in the dark before flopping down onto my bunk. Everything's supposed to happen for a reason, right? I couldn't wait to find out the reason behind this.


End file.
